


tell me every terrible thing you ever did and let me love you anyway

by eldritch_beau



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, the Pacific Rim AU that kinda snowballed, there's longing and pining, this is gonna become an intimate backstory swap get ready boys, you know as per the usual with these wizards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23426353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritch_beau/pseuds/eldritch_beau
Summary: standing at the edge of an apocalypse, there are still things to be said
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 27
Kudos: 84





	tell me every terrible thing you ever did and let me love you anyway

* * *

_Dunamancy has never been used for something such as this before._ An attempt at such magic, if not dealt with carefully, can either drown him or drain him completely. Essek flexes his fingers to conceal the fact that his hands are shaking.

It's a beast of an armor, ornate and ancient, standing tall at thirty feet and Essek feels infinitesimally small staring up at it; just as he did that very first day at the stairs that lead up to the luxon's temple, clutching onto the corner of his mother's sleeve for all the good it did him.

 _Does not do well to dwell on that._ His mother is gone, consumed by the lull of madness that eternity brings. And the threat of Tharizdun is drawing near. They have a day to make preparations, at best two. Essek swallows and turns to Verin.

"What do you want me to do? float it to the enemy?" He imagines he is well-aware of what Verin wants but delaying the inevitable is well worth the try. He shrugs and begins casting Detect Magic with a wayward wave of his hand.

Verin huffs at Essek's joke-- perhaps being at the edge of an extinction-level event is something that binds the brothers in a way ninety years of dysfunctional childhood never did.

"It's not meant for me", his brother clarifies, "my partner and I have already found our groove, Essek. _This..._ " he pats the armour, "this we recovered deep in the ruins of Ghor Dranas. Its called _Fuer'Yon,_ apparently one of those Vestiges of Divergence." and then he turns to Essek whose eyes are twinkling now and Verin looks meaningfully at Essek as if to drive the point home:

"this one is for _you._ "

\--

"So how does it work?" Caleb asks and Essek is afraid. Verin needed only half-explain what he has so far gathered of the mechanics of it and Essek had caught on, heart racing a mile an hour and mind racing twice as fast (to Verin's annoyance). He had uncovered the rest by himself. That is also why he has brought Caleb into the fold as well.

"it has an arcane reactor that magnifies arcane energies to deliver a blow tenfold." Essek swallows, "And is built to protect... how was it that Verin put it, yes... _squishy_ wizard bodies."

Caleb chuckles softly at that, still marveling at the grandeur of the beast with a wide-eyed gaze.

"this is fascinating" Caleb breathes as he examines every nook and cranny of the armor with intent enthusiasm, "you will be quite safe in here, i suppose."

Essek nods in reply.

Caleb places his palm flat on the mech and closes his eyes, "then what seems to be the problem?" he asks as he feels the soft humming of it's arcane reactor thrum through his own body.

Essek waits until Caleb has reopened his eyes, waits until Caleb has turned to meet his gaze. And only then does the drow speak in a voice that somehow betrays him by sounding more desperate than Essek had allowed himself to feel.

"I cannot do it alone."

\--

Caleb is reluctant to try and Essek does not blame him, in fact he shares the same concerns. The dangers are paramount and this is something just as intriguing as the beacons if not more. So many secrets in this ancient artifact and to use one against Tharizdun would give them a tremendous advantage. One they need every ounce of.

But the main hiccup comes in the propensity, the magnitude of power woven intricately into every crevice of the beast. One wizard simply _cannot_ maneuver it, the mental weight of it too much to bear alone. One would have to be tethered to another they know, one they _trust_ to work in tandem together to have this monstrosity function. There's beauty in it, but there is also much that goes into the neural fusion of those two minds that would make piloting this beast possible.

While disregarding the danger of it all that intrigues him as much as it cautions him, Essek is not as eager to share his secrets with Caleb, even tho his heart has been laid bare already. 

Well. _Mostly._

There is much he is afraid to show still. Much he would rather none of the Nein ever know about, least of all Caleb. The fear that they might still give him up if they knew the extent of his indifference, of the person he used to be all those years ago. It's an ugly reminder that Essek does his best to bury deep underneath his present problems.

Besides there is also the matter of everything that has transpired since. He has never told Caleb about the time when he went adventuring with them how he would find himself stealing more glances at the wizard. Has never told him about the foolish little hope he carries in his heart that is his most intimate secret. He has shared much (if not all) of his dunamantic knowledge with Caleb and yet sharing this avenue of pain that is so personal feels yet like a burden that he does not want to bear, much less think about.

"You are right, Caleb" he agrees with a stiff nod of his head and something of a relief lines his words, "this could be far more trouble than it's worth, anyway."

Caleb doesn't say anything in response but all the way until he turns a bend, Essek is verily aware of Caleb's gaze boring into his back.

\--

"I was thinking about it again and I thought. I thought we could give it a try, ja?" Caleb finds him later that evening, rubbing the back of his neck and with a thoughtful look on his face, "our friends could always use the extra firepower and...." he trails off, looking at Essek hopefully.

"are you sure?"

"well, I am not doing this alone, I could not." Caleb shifts his weight and brings his wandering gaze to settle on Essek's, "and there is no one else I would trust this with more than you."

Essek considers it, nods. And when the silence feels like it's gotten too loud, he remarks, "then i suppose it couldn't hurt to try."

Their eager footsteps are the only noise all the way to the base of the fort where the vestige is kept, where the wizards will pull their last act of defiance. And as they approach the beast they are supposed to pilot _together,_ Essek can hear his pulse drum in his ears out of equal measure of both anticipation and fear.

\--

 _Establishing a neural link is the first priority,_ Essek says as he produces the spell that both Caleb and he have to cast together to make this all possible first. One wizard alone cannot carry the strain of it for it would undo his very grip on reality and maybe even drive him mad. _"Tether Essence"_ the spell is called and with Caleb's help, Essek and he tweak it just enough to entwine them neurally enough to harmonize.

 _As if we don't already,_ Essek thinks and when Caleb chuckles in what feels like a response, Essek briefly panics that he had said it out loud.

"It's...." Caleb offers an explanation when Essek gazes at him questioningly, "it's like... ja, how do i explain it... we are already so good at working well together most of the time, no? like... even without speaking. if it weren't for the mental strain i would say this harmonizing is a waste of a spell" and laughs a bit nervously at that.

And Essek's heart leaps just a little at how in synchronization their thoughts are as well and he nods, "you're not wrong" he says, before offering Caleb a small smile of his own.

\--

"this could get a bit... bumpy" Caleb warns as they are about to cast the spell, "you already know this, but my memories... they are not the best and much of them are. not _good_ so... tread carefully."

"you as well, Caleb." Essek offers back with a gentle squeeze on Caleb's hand as they settle, snug inside the arcane armour and casts the first rune of the spell that Caleb pulls into the second and it's perhaps a dance of sorts before they bring their hands close and together, cast the last line of the last rune and Essek feels the aftermath of the spell awash his senses.

His sight is plunged into pure darkness.

\--


End file.
